How many of us have heard that complaint, and felt like we weren’t providing enough for our children to do?
All the activities and lessons aimed at children sure make it feel like they they aren’t experiencing a real childhood unless they’re ‘pursuing their passions’ through scheduled activities. But is this what is best for their development?
When you hear your children say, “I’m bored” realize you may be entertaining them too much, and they’ve forgotten how to entertain themselves. To help them cope with boredom, and expand their creativity and resilience in the process, intentionally allow for time for them to be bored.
Raising Children Who Become Functional Adults
We are raising future adults rather than children who will be this age forever. While it can seem harmless to drop a preschooler off at drop-in daycare so they won’t be bored while you run errands, or hand them an ipad to watch cartoons on a 20-minute car ride, by doing so we are creating 10, 15, 20-year-olds who have never had the chance to develop patience and tolerate situations that are not entertaining or focused on themselves.
Boredom for happiness in the future
In adult life we often have to choose to be happy in situations we don’t think are fun at first. We have to pay the bills, wash the dishes, clean the toilets, and stay home with sleeping children when we may prefer to be out doing fun activities. We are no longer limited by the limits our parents set for us, and we have to use self control when making purchases and planning our time.
Once a child learns the self control to not act out or insist that some outside force entertain them when they are feeling bored, they start to think of ways to entertain themselves.
Unknown to them, this usually involves things that are excellent for their development: Learning, cooperating with their siblings, and pushing themselves physically.
This will be much easier to teach at age 3, 4, 5 than 15, 16, or 25 when they haven’t had much practice tolerating unpleasant things, and they also have real responsibilities like college classes, driving a car, and starting a career.
Emotionally Tolerating Boredom
Being bored is uncomfortable, and learning to be uncomfortable is a part of growing up. In fact, helping my children process this helps me to as well!
To help process this with them our conversations look something like this:
“There’s nothing to do!”
“You can come help me fold laundry :) “
“No, that’s so boring!”
“It’s okay to be bored sometimes. Where do you feel the feeling of boredom? Take a deep breath and really feel it”
“It’s like heavy here” (points to upper chest)
“Good! It’s great to know how to feel your feelings. I get bored sometimes too, especially when I fold laundry”
“Being comfortable being bored helps me be more creative though. Sometimes I get really good ideas when I’m bored, or I notice things that I wouldn’t normally notice, like the birds outside the window or the way the breeze blows the clouds”
“I still don’t like being bored.”
“It’s okay not to like it, not liking things is a part of everyone’s life.”
“I’m going to go get my book…”
“Good idea” :)
** Depending on the age of the child, and the behavior of the child (ahem, for a bored child who is harassing siblings), I may also add in a reminder ‘It’s okay for you to be uncomfortable, but it is not okay for you to disturb or bother other people because you are uncomfortable.’
A Good Boredom Space
In the afternoons we have quiet (boredom) time, when the weather is nice it’s outside, and when it’s too hot or cold it’s in the kids’ room. A good space for learning independent (boredom) play is defined- either one room, or area, or the fenced back yard. There are a few safety ground rules, but this is the time that children’s actions aren’t micromanaged.
I transition to this time with an afternoon snack after school or after a morning activity on a non school day. The kids bring their snack outside, and when they’re done they play independently. Having an outdoor area that isn’t perfectly manicured is ideal for allowing digging and bushwhacking, but even a small yard that can’t be altered can allow for lots of creative play if there are bikes, lumber for stacking, and other materials.
Encouraging Independent Play
If your child is used to being directed in play and thinking either by constant parental involvement (which there totally is a time and place for!), TV, or school activities, they may need to be prompted by you to start up some creative play.
One of the most effective ways to encourage movement and creativity is to spend a few minutes cutting up 2x4s and 2x6s in the yard. Then model how to do a few different things with them (balance beam, jump for the bikes, stacking into a tower) to spark the kids’ imagination. Back off as soon as you see them starting to continue the play on their own.
Do something nearby- if your kids are in their rooms, doing your own craft project, hobby, or housework in an adjacent room can keep kids content. When you have yardwork to do, that is a great time to model activity and provide mandatory boredom time.
If kids are having trouble with whining and wanting constant attention, it’s often because the adult is trying to do something sedentary like read or blog. So I move to something active instead and this usually clears it up.
If they have trouble following rules and are bickering with their sibling or breaking rules out of the desire to get your attention, introduce chores they can do alongside you. This isn’t punishment, but it’s another way to encourage their mind to come up with something more interesting to do.
Some things I have my kids do with me in this case: Clean around the baseboards with a damp cloth, wash the cupboards and fridge, move laundry from the washer to the dryer, put away clothes, pick up fallen fruit in the yard. Usually I say something like, “it looks like you need something to do, here, come use this cloth and clean down here with me” – nothing stressful or demanding.
I happily provide field guides for the local plants, bugs, and animals for my children. (this one is a favorite)
Keep an encouraging you-can-do-it attitude. Children pick up on our emotional cues and thinking more than any words we every say.
Gently stretch the amount of time they do this and don’t expect much at first. The goal isn’t to have the children completely leaving you alone and never wanting your involvement, it’s just for them to have some unstructured time every day where they learn to make their own fun.
A note for special needs children:
This isn’t always possible for children with special needs, my daughter really struggles with coming up with things to do on her own.
Structured activities that are repetitive can provide down time for these kids. Helping put the books away, spooning rice from one container to another, taking care of a pet, or other structured chores can be helpful.
So this boredom thing isn’t going to work for all children, but gently stretching them to be content with less and content independently is still important.
(10 Things Parents of Special Needs Children Haven’t Told You)
Love this post. I feel the same way about making that time for kids.
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I love this post, very much! I completely agree with you! I have not been allowing “boredom time” enough and I really think it would benefit my son. Thanks for the tips!
I just love this. Kids do need to learn to manage their own time and entertain themselves without constant digital stimulus. A lot of adults could use this lesson too!
My daughter goes to a Sudbury School where boredom is the main tool used to get kids to take responsibility for their own learning process. The self-motivated learning that comes out of that is nothing short of mind-blowing.
I see it in my own home where my 5 year old is so bored that she has learned 3 complete songs on the piano in less than a month. I think we do a real disservice to our children by keeping them constantly engaged in structured activities.
I love this philosophy & here’s how it works at our house:
“Can I play games on the iPad? My work is all done.”
“Good job getting your work done, but we’re not going to have electronics time right now, what else fun could you do?!”
Then the whining & complaining commences as mom holds firm…
Soon I see them reading quietly.
This happens all of the time & inside I’m high-fiving myself & shouting, “YESSSSS! Mom wins again!!” :)
You are right on!!!!!!
As an only child born in 1969, I had no choice but to learn to “entertain” myself, a LOT. I had 5 kids in less than 8 years as well as some serious health issues. I think one of the reasons I have a few memories of my first year of life is because I used to replay memories so much when I was just playing in the dirt and such.
My kids learned to enjoy playing with each other. I really restricted T.V. and computer use when they were young (made them grouchy even if it was educational). Now there is networking, it does gets harder as they get older and want to network with friends.
Mp3 players and hand held devices have created more opportunity for learning and enjoyment but less time to just ponder.
I found my youngest two children (girls), especially the extrovert youngest, depending on the older ones or myself for company. I tried to give her some time where she had to play or work alone. Now at 14 she will, though she doesn’t prefer to. She will work on crafts for hours while listening to audio books or music.
My kids NEVER use the word bored or even suggest it because they know I’ll put them to work. Even our young guests have figured that out! ;-) Unless a mom intervened. :-( Most my friends are with me on this.
Years a go I took a trip to visit an elderly uncle, with my mother and our two girls ages 5 and 3 at the time. Too young to get to play out side in the city we were visiting and having exhausted out packed resources I had the girl’s use baby wipes to clean any grime they could find on the walls, doors, door knobs, etc. They loved it! No new wipe though without a really gray one to turn in. It kept them busy for two days! Oh I wish they liked to clean like that now!!! LOL
You all have fun with your kids. They grow up way too fast!
Don’t you just love seeing the typos after posting. :)
P. S. It is fun/rewarding to send the youngest 3 into the kitchen now to clean, with only one instruction. “Divide and conquer the work!” It IS really fun listening to them work it out.
I LOVED this post! It is so important, especially in a day of kids having jam-packed schedules and very little time to themselves. We have been taking a similar approach with our daughter (now 11 months old) of time for “uninterrupted play”, since she was a newborn. She has such a good attention span and can play on her own for long stretches of time without becoming bored.
It amazes me that we even have to write this type of information nowadays. When I was growing up (and yes I’m channeling my mother) the only structured play we had was at school. My mother didn’t see it as her job to entertain us, she fed, clothed, housed, disciplined and loved us.
I appreciate that you mentioned how your daughter has difficulties with this because of her special needs. My son is three and a half and autistic, and while he is actually pretty good at playing by himself, some days he can’t keep it up for long. I find that depending on the day it can be more or less difficult – he often will start his repetitive sensory behaviors – mostly pacing in circles around the couch – rather than seek out other ways to entertain himself. While I don’t think I’ll be getting him a puppy to take care of, giving him something concrete to do is definitely a great idea. Thanks!
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this is so important for all the parents and i love the way u have said it, specially in this technological world everyone is so obsessed about having an i-pad and want to get tired of playing all these smart games but they dont even want to go out and play with other children.
I completely agree with you! I ..thankyou for these tips!!!