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  • THE KETO DIET
    • How to Start the Ketogenic Diet & What You Can Eat on Keto
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    • Why You Need Fat Bombs (low carb, keto, GAPS)
  • Recipes
    • breakfast
    • Main Dish
    • Dessert and Treats
    • keto recipes
    • Dairy-Free
    • Carnivore Diet/Zero Carb Diet
  • About
    • About Cara
    • Leaky Gut Treatment Through Diet
    • Healing Brain Trauma with Food, Supplements, and Lifestyle (Autism, TBI, PTSD)
    • Gourmet Candymaking Without Corn Syrup, Canned Milk, Artificial Colors or Flavors
    • The Soup Challenge
    • Folate vs Folic Acid, Tongue Ties, and Why I Regret Taking My Prenatal Vitamin
  • BeautyCounter
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Special Needs Mamas, This is Why You Need Self Care

Home » GAPS Diet » Special Needs Mamas, This is Why You Need Self Care

You have a child with special needs.  You give and give and give, and somewhere along the way you start to lose yourself.  This is common for all moms, the infant years are intense.  But you, mama, you can’t take a part time job and put your child in part time daycare when you need a break.  Play group isn’t the same when your child doesn’t interact with the other kids.  You need to be there. Doing it. Helping. Implementing behavior plans, social skills steps, and encouraging speech, bilateral movement, and gentle adaptations to normal everyday routines.

Daycare isn’t equipped to handle your child with developmental delays, fragile medical needs, food allergies. Not to mention, who would take the child to twice a week speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and navigate the number of alternative medicine treatments you navigate?

There is no doubt about it, you give.

Mama, it’s important to not lose yourself.

Where moms of typically-developing children generally can start to recover as their child potty trains, can play independently, and enters preschool around age 3 or 4, we don’t. As typically-developing children grow, they will start to separate from their parents, and parents will once again have *space* to themselves.  To be themselves. To remember what they liked to do.

For us, with children who have developmental disabilities (autism, developmental delay, etc) our children are developmentally infants for years and years.  Then on comes the ‘terrible twos’ of toddlerhood, but they don’t just last a year for our kids, they last years, and they start later when our children are older.  Along come the ‘independent threes’ but our kids may be well into elementary school before they are finally seeking some independence.  And so it goes.

If you wait until your child is starting to become more independent, you’re going to burn out, mama. The fog of lack of sleep, the same drama with health care professionals, the school system, and trying to figure out what is best for our family wears on us.

I want you to try.  Try to carve out even 10 minutes in the morning, 10 minutes in the evening to create a routine where you do what you want to do.  I’ll give you some starting points and suggestions in a minute.  So many of you have been so maxed out for so long that you won’t even know where to start.  I know. I’m that mom too, and I am friends with so many of you as well.

You’re not selfish

The first thing you need to do is ditch the guilt.  Right now.  When you think of doing something that you would like to do, where do you feel guilt in your body? Put your hand over that place (usually your heart or throat), and breathe into it.

As you breathe, say to yourself… I am not bad or wrong for wanting to ____.  Wanting to ___ is not bad or wrong.  Taking time to ____ is not bad or wrong.  You might cry. This is good. Crying actually will help you stop the adrenaline flow of a fight-or-flight response and will boost the feel-good chemicals in your brain. (source)

You have needs

You have needs. Just because someone else has more needs, doesn’t mean that your needs are invalid.  I won’t go over the analogies of ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ or ‘put your own oxygen mask on before you help your child’ because it’s very likely that you have, in fact, been pouring from an empty cup for a long time.

But your light might be starting to dim.  You might forget how to be in the moment, and be wrapped up more and more with anxiety, or a creep of depression.  You’re worried about your child, your family, your finances. I know. You even have a smile on your face… you know you have to because your kids reflect your mood.  But it’s not enough. Just because you’re smiling doesn’t mean that you feel good.

You need to take time for yourself.  It’s not selfish, it’s being human. I want you to just take 10 minutes and try to get in touch with doing something for you, and you only.  Not listening to headphones to drown out the noise, not drinking a glass of wine to de-stress enough that you can go to sleep.  Those are reactions to your environment.  We’re talking about doing something for you, because you are worth it.  You don’t need a reason.

You need to do something proactive for yourself.  Let’s see where you can start.

Where do you start?

Say no.

You probably need to say no.  No to therapies that you’re not seeing benefits from, no to helping out in the under-staffed special ed classroom, no to yet another appointment, specialist, holistic treatment, or therapeutic recreational activity.

Second, start small.

Have you stopped blow drying your hair, in favor of the mom bun that dries as you wrangle children into clothes, socks, shoes, breakfast, carseats, and school? Mama, put on PBS Kids, put your husband in charge, or wait and take your shower when everyone is out the door in the morning.  Then spend the 10 minutes to use a good-smelling shampoo, exfoliate, put on lotion, and dry your hair.

If using the hair dryer isn’t your thing, maybe it’s putting on a little makeup, watching what you want to watch on TV that morning, or even cooking what you want to eat (we so often fall into the trap of making what everyone else will eat, and we make do) in the morning.

Whatever you do, make sure you take time to enjoy it. Yes, we like the drive-through coffee kiosks on the way to speech therapy, but drinking a mocha while you drive, talk to the SLP, and then stare at your smart phone (or worse, make a needed phone call) doesn’t count.

Third, Be intentional.

We’re parents of children with special needs. We know we’re going to be putting the effort in, so let’s make sure we can get what we need out of it too.

Ask for favors to make your life easier.  I recently asked a local swim/gymnastics center if they could take my oldest (the one who has special needs).  She has a processing disorder, which means that yes, it does take her longer to understand instructions and she needs to be with a very patient instructor and a lower class size.  But having her here, rather than at the special needs recreation center means all 3 kids can be in lessons at the same time, same place.

Mamas.  This is 45 minutes that I have to myself, plus less driving, less frustration, and less time spent.

So what do I do during these glorious 45 minutes while my children are being worn out and well cared for? I knit.  Knitting is something I learned to do when I was pregnant with my second child, but once #3 came along I figured I didn’t have time for crafts any more, and it was set aside.  While other parents are scrolling through social media, I leave my phone in the car, and I’m intentional about doing a hobby that I love. In the middle of a Saturday morning, no less!

Being intentional has two parts. First, ask for favors that aren’t going to over extend yourself, but will make your life easier.  It’s common for us to ask for more therapies, to learn about supplements, to learn about testing that might help show what’s going on.  This all adds to our plate- another place to drive, a new pill to buy (and then convince our children to take), follow up appointments to coordinate. Second, plan ahead to make use of the time you do get.

You may need to move money around in your budget so that you can pay to have a collage age babysitter come every week at the same time to care for your children.  Have this in place (intention) and it will become a habit.

Fourth, focus on Relaxing, not Distracting

Scrolling social media can seem like it is relaxing, but it’s not relaxing it’s distracting.  It’s information overload.  Just because it’s a break, doesn’t mean it’s a healthy one.

I’m not going to tell you what is right or wrong, we’re all individuals.  If you’re an extrovert, you may find talking to a friend on the phone to be rejuvenating and energizing. If you’re an introvert, half an hour spent lost in a fiction book may be what you need. Either way, knowing what you need, as well as finding a time to do it, is necessary for self care.

What if you don’t know what you like?

I’m in a parents group (they have child care and a catered dinner for both parents and kids- this is another way I do self care) for parents that have children with special needs.  We talked about self care, and one of the moms with children in their late teens said, with tears in her eyes, that she wouldn’t even know what to do with a couple hours to herself.  She had lost herself.

I felt the same way.  About a year ago I started forcing self care on myself.  I was healthy physically, but really on edge emotionally, and it’s really just because I was maxed out.

So I started looking around.

Wow, that’s cool

Do you find yourself liking the product of someone else’s hobby? That’s a great place to start.

This can be anything- painting the walls in your house, swimming a mile in a nearby lake, sewing curtains for the living room, taking care to do makeup, hair care, or manicures. Knitting, pottery, pinata making, cake decorating. Planning a dinner party, being involved in local politics (because you enjoy it mama! not just because you are lobbying for what your child needs- there’s a place for that but you can’t count it as self care), paddle boarding in the river, training for a bike race. Yoga, meditation, energy work, feng shui.

No, you won’t be good at first. Yes, it will probably cost money. I know, you think you don’t have time. But you need to make time. You don’t have time not to. This is your life too. 

What do others do?

I didn’t know what to do, so I looked around at what other people were passionate about.  This sounds fake, and unauthentic, I know, but you know what? it worked.  Other people like watching TV programs, so I binge watched Gilmore Girls… and then Gossip Girl, White Collar, and House of Cards.  After I got over the guilt of not reading another business book, book on sensory processing disorder, or folding the mountain of laundry in my room, I came to enjoy this nightly ritual.   Other women enjoy wearing, trying, and looking good with makeup. And yes, I did too

(you can join my facebook group here, where we’ll talk about makeup and self care in the coming months).

What did you do in high school?

This is another way to tap into who you are, when you’re not someone’s mom.  I was on the swim team, and I loved ceramics class. I had fun going skiing in Tahoe a few times.

Whatever you did in high school, see if there is a way you can go back to it a bit. I was thrilled to find that most adult sports are way less competitive, and way more encouraging (we’ve matured- who would have thought ;) ) than they were in high school.

Take the time, you’re worth it

Nobody else looks at us, moms that have children with special needs, and thinks that they need to give more.  That usually is coming from right inside us.

Take a break from that, mama, and take some time for yourself.

It’s self care. It’s important.  Next time you feel that twinge of ‘there is something more productive I could be doing’ I want you to follow your passion, even if it’s just for a couple minutes.

 

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← You Are Consuming Synthetic Folate (folic acid). This is where it’s hiding… Why Sensory Integration May Be Causing Your Child’s Meltdowns →

About Cara

Cara is the main author here at Health Home and Happiness. She loves the health and energy that eating well and playing well provides and has a goal to share what she's learned with as many families interested in making healthy changes as possible.

She helps other families achieve health in simple steps through healing their gut with the GAPS Diet and helps them stock their freezer for busy days with the Allergy-Friendly Afternoon Freezer Cooking Class.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Meredith

    October 5, 2017 at 12:37 pm

    This is a lovely and timely reminder. Thank you, from one special needs mom to another. If I cried while I was reading it, I suppose I could take that to mean that taking a little time to myself would be good (could also be the pregnancy hormones!).

    Reply
    • Cara

      October 5, 2017 at 1:01 pm

      Both of the above, Meredith :) So glad to have you, and congratulations on your pregnancy!

      Reply
  2. JMJ

    October 7, 2017 at 7:53 am

    Thank you, Cara, for this well-timed post. I’ve been so overwhelmed with how to deal with my severely disabled son’s (15yo) behavior towards my 10 yr old DD. I don’t know how other parents manage this kind of behavior that I feel alone. I’m burned out by trying to redirect his outbursts and trying to keep her away from the receiving end of it. I always feel guilty when I have alone time because I feel I should be looking for ways to keep him occupied instead of focusing on myself. It’s good to know other moms also go through feelings of guilt managing the good and the bad. God bless!

    Reply
  3. Cindy

    October 7, 2017 at 10:00 am

    Such an encouraging article. I have a 27 year old severely Autistic son. And I really needed to hear this. Thank you so much for the encouragement! I am home with him full time and need to implement some of your suggestions!

    Reply
  4. Angela B

    October 8, 2017 at 4:34 am

    Oh Cara…thankyou. I think of you when I’m boiling pots of broth, making yogurt…dehydrating nuts…the list goes on and on…I’ve based my sons diet around your recipes for the past 5 years. I’m full of gratitude to you and all you’ve done for our family. This post was so what I needed today. You inspire me to be a better Mom. Thankyou for sharing your life with us. I look forward to the self care group you’re starting on Facebook. I’m off to think of how I’m going to spend my ten minutes alone today!! Thanks again.

    Reply
  5. Joanie Calem

    October 9, 2017 at 11:42 pm

    Cara this is a great blog. I do support “concert-conversations” for parents and it is so common to have parents tell me that they only go out for an evening if it’s to learn about a new therapy for their kid, but do something for themselves? Unheard of…and we so need to!

    Reply
    • Cara

      October 10, 2017 at 7:00 am

      It’s true, it’s like we wear it as a badge of honor first (putting our child first) and then slowly it just becomes the norm.

      Reply
  6. Anke

    October 10, 2017 at 11:03 am

    Thank you Cara. I totally get it and I am on my way. My biggest obstacle is/was the belief that if I only try hard enough I can make it all well for her. If I try an other therapy, do GAPS etc. it will be the magical puzzle piece which was missing. I am learning right now that this belief is not true and it is dangerous. I am getting better regarding self care. By the way I love your recepies.
    Greetings from Germany
    Anke

    Reply
    • Cara

      October 10, 2017 at 11:54 am

      Thanks Anke, that is a good point. I think a lot of us do that right after diagnosis. But eventually we settle down (and burn out) and scale back a bit.

      Reply
  7. flore

    October 19, 2017 at 2:34 pm

    Thank you very much for sharing your feelings and experience with us. I cried while reading the article, starting already around line 3.
    My 3 years old is severely autistic. Guilt and Worry are my permanent feelings, night and day, 24/7.
    Your article cheered me up a lot tonight. Thank you. Really. Thank you very much.
    Cheers from The Netherlands!

    Reply
    • Cara

      October 19, 2017 at 4:59 pm

      So good to hear from you Flore. Everything makes me emotional still, and my child is 11!

      Reply
  8. Beth

    August 20, 2019 at 8:21 am

    This is truth. I am finally acknowledging that I need to figure out who I am. I have four children. My 20 year son old has severe special needs (physical and developmental) and my 12 year old has some mental health issues. It took 6 months of therapy to even admit that my life is harder than a family with typical children. It had taken 20 years to admit that “I” need something also. I need to care for myself better and I am trying to figure out how that looks. I don’t even know what brings life to my soul. I have no idea what I enjoy anymore.

    Reply
  9. Doreen

    December 29, 2020 at 11:50 am

    We have adopted twins with a genetic disorder. So we have the special needs of m healing from trauma plus the genetic disorder x 2. I have fallen into the trap of not taking care of myself enough to be able to take care of them as well as I would like. I found you because we are a GAPS family and we love your recipes. Thank you!!!

    Reply

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